


Villains Don't Get Happy Endings

by turquoiserainlilies



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: crackfic, humor me, maybe au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 08:16:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turquoiserainlilies/pseuds/turquoiserainlilies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina and Hook want to pull the ultimate prank. Gravy boats, magical portals, and ice-cream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Villains Don't Get Happy Endings

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the works of once upon a time nor did I came up with the idea, it's all for Adam and Eddie. I also don't own the references I make to any tv show, books, music, etc.

The spring air was warm and, well, airy, as two figures walked down the small, stone street. One, with ravenous hair that was perpetually in a pixie cut, and another, towering over the girl, was a blonde man, who looked as if he was either born to slay a dragon, or wash dishes, maybe both. They wore a grim expression, though clearly trying to disguise it. The man held a wrapped present in his hand, though its pink and lace did not fit into the overall average-American husband look of flannel and jeans.

“Snow…” He began, but the petite woman closed off his words.

“I know, this is unbelievable.” She sighed, suddenly pulling a bag of cinnamon cookies out of her large tote bag. The man seemed to get use to this sort of behavior, “I mean, how the hell?”

“We’re attending a wedding.” The man laughed shakily, they both stopped on the sidewalk for a moment, catching up to their thoughts, “A wedding, and not just any wedding-”

“Regina’s wedding.” Snow smiled weakly, “Charming, I don’t know if this is a joke or not.”

It wasn’t even the ‘evil-step-mother-turned-sort-of-friend’ part that was awkward, but the person Snow’s ex-nemesis is marrying is also unexpected. One month ago, Regina Mills had disappeared off the face of Storybrooke, only to return last week to announce her wedding, with Hook.

Snow and her husband had just recovered to buy a wedding gift (gravy boat, doesn’t get better than gravy boats), and had to do last minute shopping for wrapping paper. As it was Valentine’s Day as well (how cruel the world was), the only thing they had available was pink, lacey, tissue paper.

So they were giving a gravy boat wrapped in pink to the Evil (but not evil, at least, not all the time) Queen and Captain Hook as a wedding present...great.

Snow tried desperately to find a positive side to this, truthfully though, she had some trouble even finding a sensible side to this. Since when were Regina and Hook an item? And if so, how the hell did they decide to get married now?

But being the pleasant people they are, the pair decided to be courteous and make it to the reception at least. After all, they did help rescue Henry...oh gods, what did Henry even think of all this?

They stealthily walked towards the altar in silence, fearing when Hook and Regina would show up, the image of the two together, to be imprinted on their minds, forever. Twice they opened their mouth, but only to redirect the comment towards the weather, it was too odd to talk about anything else.

Finally, the little church with a white picket fence came into view, at least, it used to have white picket fence. Charming almost dropped the gravy boat at the sight.

The church was…black.

She didn’t mean that someone painted the church black or whatever, because that would be considered normal in this situation. No, somehow, everything was black. The church wall, the previously white picket fences, every picnic table in front of it, the chairs dutifully lined up in front of an arc of black roses (was there even a florist in Storybrooke that provided black roses?), and even the grass was black. How the hell did that happen?

Oh, right, magic.

Snow quickly picked up the present in hope of finding some normality in this situation. She ushered Charming passed the shockingly dark fence, and started to file in towards the chairs. A small group was already gathering, all their friends sitting just as awkwardly in their chairs, not making any eye contact.

“Emma?” Snow sat next to her daughter, who was wearing her usual red jacket, her hair curly and pinned up, but nothing formal, “Umm...hello?”

“Hey.” Emma said, her eyes staring directly at the black roses, probably thinking of the florist thing as well, “Um...how did this happen exactly. I mean, what course of action did we take to end up at this point?”

“No idea.” Snow admitted, “Though they are good for each other.” She said, trying to believe her own words, but after an exchange of glances with Emma, they both looked away, the full reality of the situation hitting her. No, this was weird, and wrong, and all kinds of abnormal, and it was just best not to comment on it at all…

~^~^~

It was a normal day for the Dark One. Rumplestiltskin woke up with a weird sort of feeling, one that he did not recognize, for it was very foreign. It wasn’t quite happiness, it wasn’t anything particularly exciting, but just the lovely content of having everything he desired. He got dressed quickly, taking extra care for a nice purple tie that he adored, folded his signature handkerchief to his clean, pressed, suit, and walked downstairs with the air of importance, looking for a brunette, a particular one at that, he didn’t just wake up with a fetish.

“My, don’t we look handsome today?” Belle smiled widely. Rumple grinned right back, but noticing that she was buttering the bread with the wrong end of the knife.

“Belle, you’re holding it backwards.” He nudged gently, putting a hand towards her shoulder. She then turned the knife around sheepishly, though started with the wrong side of the knife. Rumple didn’t have the heart to tell her so.

“The paper box is filled again.” She told him as Rumple started towards his morning as well. It took him a full second to realize what she had meant, before deciding not to correct her. He didn’t grab a coat to gather the mail, for it was an oddly warm February morning. The Gold Residence did not get too many mail because, for one thing, everything ran on magic, thanks to him. For another, it wasn’t like Rumple had any pen pals across Storybrooke.

There was the occasional junk mails that were perpetually present, as well as some uncommon flyers. This was why there was quite a surprise when Rumple found a creamy white envelope in his mailbox, addressing to Mr. Gold and Miss Belle. He stared at the neat writing for a long time, perplexed.  He had never heard anyone addressing Belle as Miss. Belle before.

The odd thing suddenly wasn’t whether Belle was a Miss or not, but when Rumple opened the envelope, his eyes almost popped out from his head.

* * *

_The Late Cora and Henry_

_and_

_The Late Mr. and Mrs. Jones_

_Would like to cordially invite you_

_to the union of_

_Regina Mills_

_and_

_Killian “Hook” Jones_

_Please see to attend the ceremony today_

_Church On Mifflin Street_

* * *

“Belle!” He yelled loudly, “Come here!”

“What is it?” His girlfriend’s voice rang from the kitchen. Rumple’s hand was shaking in laughter and slight fear from the words.

“Oh, you are never going to believe this.”

~^~^~

Belle didn’t believe it.

How in the world?

She didn’t especially like Regina and Hook very much, being the amiable person she was, but she didn’t go as far as to say that she hated them. However, if there ever was a list about Belle’s potential friends in Storybrooke, she would say that they were at the bottom of the list. The Queen who abducted her and locked her in an asylum for twenty eight years, and the man who punched her in the face and then later erased her memory.

This wasn’t a ceremony that she’d like to attend, however, she had only settled into Storybrooke so shortly, after the fiasco with Henry and Neverland, and this was the optimal time to make some friends, other than Rumple and Ruby, she meant. If she was invited to a wedding, she would go, and promptly ignore the two hosts to meet some new people.

She and Rumple were currently seated by the reception, a charming couple, one of which was holding a lacey pink package, sat down directly behind them-David and Snow. Belle knew that people often call David by Charming, but she was a big believer in birthnames, they have power.

For example, only when she yells “Rumpelstiltskin!” would he shut up about magic and start teaching her how to use an oven. It was quite a relief, not having to coax a fire to bake bread.

“Though they are good for each other.” She heard a woman’s voice. She recognized it as Snow White, probably about Regina and Hook. Belle couldn’t help it, she particularly loved being analytical, to the point that it might be a weakness. Though she did think of Regina and Hook as some of the more despicable types of humans, there was a certain need for love and a flair for  dramatics that they both shared. Certainly, they are both dedicating their lives to avenge their respective lost loves with justified intentions, in their own, twisted view, at least. Belle was an expert at rehabilitation, and therefore she could safely say that they were, in fact, good for each other.

Though, she certainly didn’t expect them to get married, especially not in a place like this.

“Where are they?” Rumple whispered over to her, “This is ridiculous!”

Belle nodded, “It’s very impolite to keep people waiting.”

“I mean us.” He hissed, Belle turned over to face him, “What are we still doing here?”

“Playing nice.” Belle retorted, that shut him up, for another ten minutes at least. After the time passed, and there was no sign for a wedding except for a banner with the childish print-Jones and Mills Wedding-hanging over the black trees, people were starting to get impatient. Out of the corner of Belle’s eye, she could see Ruby and Granny, whispering something to each other, and wrinkling their noses, as if trying to sniff out the suspicion. Archie the Cricket was frowning deeply, only pronounced because he was such an optimistic guy most of the times. Gepetto was entertaining a very bored Pinocchio, who sat beside Hansel and Gretel, both with very crossed looks.

“We should go.” Rumple said again, “We should really, really go, I don’t know why we’re even here. I mean, it was hilarious when I got the invite, but I refuse to fall prey to this madness”

As soon as the words were uttered, there was an outcry in the back of the ceremony, towards the entrance of the church. Two of the dwarfs-though Belle could not remember their names-yelled towards the assembly, “The Queen and the Pirate! We saw their car headed west!”

A murmur of words snaked around the group, Rumple stood up, hands clenched at his sides outrageously, “Seriously? Is this a joke?”

The dwarfs did not know how to respond, “Um...I think that was their intention.”

“Angry mob!” Called out another voice, Dreamy, Belle thought quickly, but then realized he was Grumpy now...nope, Leroy. Geez, and he was calling David out for having three names?

“On it!” All the other dwarfs huddled quickly, somehow producing pitch forks and torches from their midst. Once they were prepared, they headed down Miffin Street. Belle looked helplessly over at Rumple, who jumped from his seat to join the mob, along with every other person in the group. Losing all reasons to stay behind, Belle picked up her dress and followed the mob.

~^~^~

Across the town, away from the black church and all the confused little people, a shrill laughter can be heard from a car. The woman driving, almost closing her eyes in joy, made a sharp turn towards the forest surrounding Storybrooke. The laughter was joined by the deep chuckle of a man in odd attire next to her.

“How long do you imagine it would take before they all wise up and go home?” The woman laughed, she was adorned in a black jacket, her hair brushed, but otherwise not fancy, and certainly nothing to mark a special occasion.

“Maybe an hour?” The man next to her laughed, “I’ve got to say, this was a genius idea.”

“Of course it was.” The woman boosted, “I came up with it.”

Again, they resumed laughing like maniacs across the forest, zooming past the green trees. At last, they reached their destination. An orange line, spray painted across the road, right next to a sign that read You’re Now Leaving Storybrooke. Right, as if anyone could actually leave, except for the two of them…

They screeched right after the line, looking extremely pleased with themselves, and started to chat idly, apparently not having anything to do for the day except to drive past orange lines and laugh. At some point in the next hour, the woman brought out a plate of apple pie from the back of the car, as they munched on the delicious and poison-free snack, occasionally sneaking glances towards the line.

They were not disappointed, a few hours later, after they’ve talked all they could about the best plans to kill Rumpelstiltskin and bad parenting skills, a small rumbling could be heard from the distance, as if a storm was brewing. The woman smiled as she turned her head, almost lazily, towards the line, where several cars were parked, though right before the line.

“What the hell!” A feminine voice was the first to break the silence. Snow White, wearing her pleasant red dress and holding a clashing pink package, marched right up to the car, except she stopped, right before the line, glaring at it, and her, “Regina, what’s going on?”

Regina’s grin widened, “Early honeymoon, felt like the wedding was going to take forever.”

Snow looked as if she was going to blow up, splattering into a million snowflakes to give them a late white Christmas, but Charming pulled her away. Good thing too, Regina was getting a little nervous about how close she was to the line, and this was Snow she was talking about. Sensible yet stupid; the girl who ruined her life, repeatedly.

“Regina…” Emma said, holding up a hand, probably half warningly, and half surrendering, “Just tell us what’s happening.”

She looked back at Hook, also wearing a crazy smile to match the one of the Cheshire Cat, “Come on Emma, you’re the Sheriff, solve the crime.”

Emma could cross over the line, so she made a motion to do so, but Regina had already thought this out. Right as Emma’s boot hit half of the line, her face smashed into an invisible wall, as if walking into a glass door at midnight. Regina’s only regret was that she was not able to take a picture of Snow and Charming’s daughter’s face, all smushed against the wall.

“What the hell!” Emma clutched her face, “Seriously, what?”

“See ya later!” Regina yelled gleefully, tears whirling in the mixture noise of magic and machine, as the entire population of Storybrooke parted away for their angry motor. She pulled the car quickly, making a hundred and eighty degree turn, before heading off to a different part of town...the Storybrooke dock. The first part of the plan was to merely rouse the anger in the population, but the second part? It was just something really fun.

“If I had known this was what it took to get rid of Snow-” Regina grinned widely, she had been doing more grinning than she ever had done in a while “-I would’ve done so a long time ago.”

“I believe I saw the Crocodile in the audience.” Hook replied, “This should be fun.”

~^~^~

In all her years as a Princess, a Bandit, a Queen, and a Mother, Snow White had never been so infuriated with a single human being. Their group, that consisted her, Charming, Emma, Mr. Gold, Belle, Ruby, the Dwarves, plus plenty of other angry Storybrookers were chasing after the van as if it was giving out free ice-cream, for about a mile before they realized that it would’ve been quicker to just drive. On cue, Mr. Gold magicked a car out of nowhere, and started yelling at everyone to get in.

“I’m sorry, but how is a punch buggie supposed to get us anywhere?” Charming yelled above the noise of the crowd, always the team leader.

“It borrowed some technology of time!” Mr. Gold yelled right back. Snow watched as the two grown man stared each other down like little childs who are competing for the last cookie in the jar. If this was such contest, Gold had just gotten the last chocolate chip, as a few moments later, Charming gave up, realizing they were wasting precious time, and got in the car.

“Woah there!” He yelled from within, as Snow stepped right after him, and almost fainted on the spot from surprise, if not for the fact that she had excellent blood pressure.

“It’s bigger on the inside.” She heard Emma whisper from behind her, followed by a sharp intake of breath from Henry.

“Henry!” Snow just realized, “You better stay here.” She put an arm around her grandson (god, that made her sound old), “It could get dangerous.”

“Not fair.” Henry pouted, “I want to ride the TARDIS.”

Snow didn’t know exactly what to say to that, so she just pushed him out of the harms way, and into the street. Someone will take care of him, she was sure. After all he was the savior’s son. The truest believer.

“Yeah, yeah, just come on!” Rumpelstiltskin said testily, as the rest of the Storybrooke filed in. There were no back seats, it seemed, but rather as if they stepped into a huge storage room of emptiness. Oddly enough, the windows were still in proportion, as they watched the gingerbread roofed houses zoom by outside.

The air was absolutely silent, no one dare made a sound as Gold drove them through the town, tracing Regina and Hook’s car via magic, or something stronger, like the desire to rip their head in two and make a campfire out of the pieces, and then have Henry roast marshmallows over it, except that it would probably too traumatizing for the kid.

Finally, finally, after ten minutes of silence and the occasional cough from Sneezy, they spotted Regina’s car, stranded in a ditch near the dock. Nobody spoke as they left the punch buggie, following Snow and Charming into the wreckage.

The car certainly looked like it was left in a hurry, Regina didn’t even bother to lock it, the trunk half-opened, and there clearly had been markings of a giant item bouncing around in the back. Something rectangular, probably, the size of a suitcase…

“No.” Snow said suddenly, pushing away from the huddled bodies in the crowd, “Move.”

“You heard her majesty!” Grumpy the dwarf said, “Move!”

Snow ran towards the docks, but even as she saw water coming into view, she knew that it was far too late. In the distance, a sail could clearly be seen, but it was quickly fading away into the the horizon, like a white smudge on a blue fabric that was being washed off.

“She left.” She said redundantly, “Regina...she just...left.”

The silence fell again, but this time it wasn’t filled with suffocating tension, but with remorse, plus a touch of disappointment. How did this happen? Snow thought? She thought they were civil now, maybe even friends. Friends invite each other to their weddings, Snow thought, although she didn’t exactly return the favor before. Now she was running off with Hook to who knows where, and they didn’t even have any blood, so they couldn’t track Regina and Hook. They were just...gone. The entire town gathered against the dock, looking off into the blank horizon.

“She was a good cake.” Snow said, a single tear shed down her right cheek as she thought of Regina, and how she was gone.

“Yes, yes she was.” Charming agreed, putting an arm around his wife. The two in shared silence, thinking of their sort-of-friends, until another voice quipped up.

“If she was, she’d be an apple cake.”

“LE-ROY!”

“Sorry, I was counting on the wedding cake.”

In the mists of thought that descended around the group, no one felt the dock shaking underneath their weight. All of the sudden, there was a huge crack, and bam, the dock gave out. The water became much too close for Snow’s liking. Wait...was water supposed to feel like a vacuum? She certainly didn’t recall it being green…

“No!” She heard Emma yell, before it clicked, not water, not vacuum, and not an accident.

It was a portal

~^~^~

Henry waited by the bus stop, though he wasn’t sure who actually drove the bus in the town. There  was still that wooden pole, signaling where people can wait for transport. It was a surprisingly big town, he mused.

He stood there, just waiting. For a big town, barely anyone was out and about. Perhaps it was due to his mom and Hook’s wedding, he wondered. It seemed that they invited all of Storybrooke, or perhaps it was just a lazy Sunday, Henry thought as he hummed nonchalantly. Suddenly, the hair at the back of his neck stood up suddenly. There was an unfamiliar noise. He whirled around instantly, hands searching his pockets for a weapon (he didn’t have one). He experienced so many sneak attacks in his short life that they no longer affected him.

Well, he didn’t have a weapon, but that was unimportant.

“Hello?” He called out quickly.

“Henry!” A familiar voice and figure rose into view, and Henry smiled in relief, mom. Regina smiled pleasantly at him, far too pleasantly actually. It was usually that smile that ended with grounding or revoking his comic books.

“Mom.” He said nevertheless, “What happened?”

“Sorry about the skirmish at the town line.” Regina sighed forcefully, though there were obvious tells that she was lying, “Hook’s idea of a joke, actually.”

“Oh.” Henry said, “Where’s gramps? Or Emma?”

Her face froze over for a moment, Henry stored that in his brain under ‘how to tell if Regina is lying’. “You want to go for ice-cream?” Regina asked all of the sudden, “Yes, I think ice-cream is good.”

To eat or not to eat, Henry thought, that was the question. Though he hadn’t have a full breakfast, he also wanted to find out exactly what happened. His willpower trembled at Regina’s smile. Ice-cream wouldn’t hurt, he thought, convincing the logical part of his mind.

“Yeah, ice-cream is good.”

They walked, side by side and occasionally exchanging small talk, all the way down the empty street.

**END**

 


End file.
